Many of my students want to know how they can possibly write their memoirs when their mom/sister/uncle is still living. “I can’t let her know that I think this,” a student said about her mother, whose perfectionism and hypercritical tendencies continue to haunt.

Well, yes and no. You are sharing your perspective—you aren’t writing your mom’s/sister’s/uncle’s story—you are writing about your own experience with them. And that is something only you can express.

Still worried? Examine your motive. Are you writing your memoir to gain revenge? Are you trying to let your uncle’s girlfriend understand how he tormented you in hopes she’ll kick him to the curb? If so, you might want to reevaluate this.

Good writing comes from a desire to understand. Sometimes this leads to dark places. But that darkness is as much a part of truth and memory as light. That’s your obligation: to the truth. Your truth.

Take a moment and consider what stories you will never tell. Is this the time to give them your attention?